Some Sins that Love Does Not Cover
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” 1 Peter 4:8
A woman struggling in an emotionally destructive marriage once asked me, “Doesn’t love cover a multitude of sins?” (1 Peter 4:8). She continued, “Who am I to hold my husband’s sin or blindness against him? The Bible teaches us, ‘It is good for us to overlook an offence’ (Proverbs 19:11). Shouldn’t I just keep quiet and minister to him, and pray that he will see God’s love in me?”
Love Covers a Multitude of Sins, But Not All
Love does cover a multitude of sins, but not all sins. Paul tells believers that we are to distance ourselves from those who claim to be believers yet live immoral and destructive lives (1 Corinthians 5:11). He instructs us to warn those who are lazy (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and that we ought not to participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11). Paul also encourages believers to restore someone who is caught in a trespass (Galatians 6:1), and James exhorts us to bring a brother back who has wandered from the truth (James 5:19). When someone deeply offends us, Jesus says we’re to go talk with them so that our relationship can be repaired (Matthew 18:15–17).
Yes, we ought to forgive and forbear, overlooking minor offences, hoping others will do the same for us. And we are to speak up when someone’s sin is hurting them, hurting others, or hurting us.
Sins that Love Does Not Cover
Serious and repetitive sin is lethal to any relationship. We would not be loving the destructive person if we kept quiet and colluded with his self-deception or enabled his sin to flourish without any attempt to speak truth into his life (Ephesians 4:15). Yes, we are called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love; however, let’s be careful that as Christian counsellors we do not put a heavy burden on someone to do something that God himself does not do. God is gracious to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have a close relationship with both. He says our sins separate us from him (Isaiah 59:2; Jeremiah 5:25).
A marriage or relationship that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy nor is it spiritually sound. It enables a repeatedly destructive spouse to continue to believe the lie that the rules of life don’t apply to him, and if he does something hurtful or sinful, he or she shouldn’t have to suffer the relational fallout. That kind of thinking is not biblical, or healthy, or true. It harms not only their marriage; it harms everyone involved.
For the welfare of the destructive person and his or her marriage, there are times we must take a strong stand. To act neutrally in the matter only enables the person’s self-deception to grow unchallenged. Scripture warns, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper” (Proverbs 28:13).
Sin Covers Us from God
The destructive person desperately needs to see God’s love, but he or she also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make necessary changes. It’s true that we are all broken and in desperate need of God’s healing grace. The problem for the destructive person is that he or she has been unwilling to acknowledge his part of the destruction. She’s been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help she needs to change her destructive ways. Instead, she’s minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized, or blamed others.
Leslie Vernick is a popular speaker, author, and licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. She is the author of seven books, including the best selling, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and her most recent The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. She’s been married to Howard for 43 years and together has two grown children and three grandchildren. Leslie received her Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of Illinois and has received post-graduate training in Biblical Counseling as well as Cognitive Therapy.
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